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  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  3 The Lanchesters

  162 Fulham Palace Road

  London WB 9ER

  www.constablerobinson.com

  First published in the UK by Robinson,

  an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2008

  Collection and editorial material copyright © Geoff Tibballs 2005

  The right of Geoff Tibballs to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication

  Data is available from the British Library

  UK ISBN 978-1–84119–967–2

  9 10

  First published in the United States in 2008 by Running Press Book Publishers

  All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions

  This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.

  9 8 7 6 5

  Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

  Library of Congress Cataloguing-in Publication Data is available on file

  ISBN 978-0-7867-1601-2

  Running Press Book Publishers

  2300 Chestnut Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371

  Visit us on the web! www.runningpress.com

  Printed and bound in the UK by

  CPI Mackays, Chatham ME5 8TD

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  Accidents

  Adultery

  Airplanes

  Alaska

  Alcohol

  Alzheimer’s

  Americans

  Amish

  Animals

  Art

  Atheists

  Australians

  Automobiles

  Babies

  Bankers

  Bartenders

  Bed

  Bestiality

  Bikers

  Osama Bin Laden

  Birds

  Birth

  Birth Control

  Tony Blair

  Blindness

  Blondes

  Blow Jobs

  Books

  Bosses

  Breasts

  George W. Bush

  California

  Camels

  Cats

  Chicago

  Children

  Chinese Jokes

  Christmas

  The Church

  Bill Clinton

  Clothes

  College

  Computers

  Condoms

  Constipation

  Cowboys

  Crime and Punishment

  Dating

  Deafness

  Death

  Dentists

  Princess Diana

  Diarrhoea

  Disability

  Disease

  Divorce

  Doctors

  Dogs

  Drugs

  Drunks

  Dwarfs

  Dyslexia

  England and the English

  Excrement

  Fairy Tales

  Families

  Fantasies

  Farmers

  Farting

  Fishing

  Flight Attendants

  Florida

  Food

  Foreplay

  The French

  Gambling

  Bill Gates

  Gays

  Germans

  Gifts

  God

  Golf

  Greeks

  Gynaecologists

  Hair

  Halitosis

  Hallowe’en

  Hangovers

  Health

  Heaven and Hell

  Hollywood

  Homicide

  Honeymoon

  Hookers

  Hospitals

  Hunting

  Saddam Hussein

  Hygiene

  Hypochondria

  Impotence

  Incest

&nb
sp; Insanity

  Iraq

  Irish Jokes

  Italians

  Jehovah’s Witnesses

  Jesus Christ

  Jewish Jokes

  Helen Keller

  The Kennedys

  Las Vegas

  Lawyers

  Lepers

  Lesbians

  Life

  Limericks

  Marriage

  Martians

  Masochism

  Masturbation

  Men

  Mexicans

  Middle Age

  Military

  Misers

  Mississippi

  Money

  Music

  Native Americans

  Necrophilia

  Neighbours

  Newfies

  New York

  Nudity

  Nuns

  Nursery Rhymes

  Nymphomania

  Old Age

  Orgasm

  Parrots

  Periods and PMS

  Poems

  Police

  Polish Jokes

  Politicians

  The Pope

  Pornography

  Pregnancy

  Premature Ejaculation

  Priests

  Prison

  Psychics and Mediums

  Pubic Hair

  Puerto Ricans

  Rabbis

  Rednecks

  Restaurants

  Riddles

  Royalty

  Russians

  School

  Scots

  Seattle

  Sex

  Sexual Organs

  Sheep

  Small Ads

  Smells

  Social Workers

  Sodomy

  South Africans

  Speech Impediments

  Sperm

  Sports

  Surgery

  Tattoos

  Texas

  Therapy

  Toilets

  Toyboys

  Travel

  Ugliness

  Underwear

  Vampires

  Vasectomy

  Vermont

  Viagra

  Vibrators

  Virginity

  Vomit

  Weddings

  Weight

  Widows

  Women

  Work

  Zoos

  INTRODUCTION

  If you’re looking for a nice joke book to give your old grandma a chuckle at Christmas, put this book down immediately! Unless, that is, your grandma happens to be a cross-dressing, hard-drinking, sex-crazed, dwarf Mexican nun with a penchant for bikers and donkeys. For be warned, the contents of this bumper collection of brand spanking new, dirty, X-rated, and decidedly politically incorrect jokes is not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush . . . if she got any of them.

  All of the usual suspects are here – jokes about sex, religion, health, old age, politics, different nationalities, men and women bashing, plus a selection of particularly filthy limericks. My only concession to political correctness is that I have tried to be scrupulously fair in ensuring that men receive just as much stick as women and that the English are ridiculed to the same extent as other nations, not least because I firmly believe that the ability to laugh at yourself is one of the keys to a reasonably contented life. Besides, it’s always good to get the jibe in first. Equally we all need somebody else to laugh at, as long it is not vindictive. After all, the Americans laugh at the Canadians, the Canadians make fun of the Newfies, and they in turn probably mock mercilessly the inhabitants of a tiny island somewhere off the coast of Newfoundland. It’s what makes the world of mirth go round. But if you are offended by any of the jokes in this book, then I guess I’ve succeeded in my task.

  At Constable & Robinson thanks are due to Nick Robinson and Pete Duncan, and also to Eryl Humphrey Jones for some excellent jokes.

  Geoff Tibballs

  January 2005

  ACCIDENTS

  1

  Five people – four guys and a young woman – were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculously all five survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a desert island. Since the guys needed to satisfy their natural urges, with the woman’s agreement they drew up a rota whereby each would take it in turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The arrangement worked really well for the next six years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldn’t take it any more, so they buried her.

  2

  A police officer arrived at the scene of a horrific road accident with several fatalities. Body parts were strewn everywhere. He was making notes of where everything was when he suddenly came across a decapitated human head. He wrote in his notebook ‘Head on bullevard’ but couldn’t spell it. He tried ‘bouelevard’ and ‘boolevard’, but still couldn’t get it right. So when no one was looking, he kicked the head and wrote ‘Head on kerb’.

  3

  A guy working at a lumberyard accidentally sheared off all ten of his fingers. At the hospital, the surgeon said: ‘Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘I haven’t got them,’ said the man.

  ‘Why not?’ asked the surgeon. ‘This is 2005, we’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of amazing techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. So why didn’t you bring the fingers?’

  The man said: ‘I couldn’t pick them up.’

  4

  Driving his date down a country lane one night, a guy pretended to run out of gas in the hope of being able to have sex with her in the back seat. But she wasn’t falling for such an old trick, and said that she had a $100 bill in her purse.

  ‘If you walk into town,’ she said, ‘you can use the money to buy gas.’

  He said he had to pee first. But while he was peeing, she decided to light a match near the gas tank to see if there was any gas in it. There was a big explosion, scattering things far and wide.

  As the bang subsided, she called out: ‘Help me find my purse. It’s got $100 in it!’

  He yelled back: ‘Never mind about that! Help me find my right hand. It’s got my dick in it!’

  5

  What’s the difference between a guy falling from the first floor and one falling from the sixteenth floor? – The guy falling from the first floor goes ‘Splat, aaaargh!’ and the one falling from the sixteenth floor goes ‘Aaaargh, splat!’

  6

  One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts, tossing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. While he was in the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer, the peanut landed in his ear. The wife tried to remove the peanut but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. With all subsequent attempts to remove the peanut failing miserably, the pair began to panic and decided to go to the hospital but, just as they were about to leave, their daughter came home with her date. Hearing of the problem, the young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. Sure enough, when the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

  Everyone congratulated the young man, and the daughter took him into the kitchen to get him something to eat as a reward. The relieved wife turned to her husband and said: ‘Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’

  The father replied: ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!’

  7

  A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry, I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’

  ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’r />
  ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’

  ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us.’

  8

  A farmer was so concerned about drivers speeding down the country lane where he lived and endangering his sheep that he asked the police to put up a sign. So they put up a ‘Slow’ sign, but it had no effect. Then they erected a ‘Hazard Ahead’ sign, but that had no effect either. Finally they tried a ‘Children Crossing’ sign, but still the motorists failed to reduce their speed.

  As a last resort, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. The police agreed, and when an officer called on the farmer a week later to see whether there had been any improvement, he was amazed to see the traffic crawling slowly along the lane. Then he noticed the farmer’s handmade sign by the roadside. It read: ‘Nudist Colony.’

  9

  One day two brothers, Jack and Jim, decided to go out diving for seafood. After filling the first sack, Jack took it back to shore to grab a replacement, but while Jim was left alone out at sea, he suddenly spotted a shark swimming towards him.

  Jim frantically called out to his brother: ‘Jack, help me! There’s a shark heading straight for me!’

  Jack called back: ‘OK, I’m coming, bro.’

  Jim was freaking out as the shark swam right up to him and bit off his left leg. Again he called out to Jack, who was still at the shoreline: ‘Jack, come and help me, the shark’s bitten off one of my legs!’

  Jack yelled back: ‘Hold on, bro, I’m coming.’

  Jim tried to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bit off his left arm. He shouted to Jack: ‘Hurry up! Come and help me! The shark has bitten off my arm and my leg!’

  Jack called back: ‘Hold on, I’m coming.’

  Then the shark bit off Jim’s right leg. Jim screamed: ‘Jack, you have to come and save me! The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm!’

  Jack called back: ‘Just wait, I’m coming.’

  The shark then bit off Jim’s other arm. Now Jim had no arms or legs.

  Jack finally arrived to save him. ‘Come on, bro,’ said Jack, ‘get on my back and I’ll swim you back to shore.’

  When they finally made it back to the shore, Jack said with an exhausted sigh: ‘I feel fucked.’